Those balls look pretty dangerous.
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
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