How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
Can one do a walk of shame from one's own hotel? Considering I just barfed in a planter down town in from of a bunch of business men in suits on my way to a work breakfast on a Wednesday morning, I am gonna just go with yes.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
She's "scared" of blowjobs, so she just played with it for a while.
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
I just shit my pants and had a heart attack. Simultaneously. May or may not be related to this game.
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
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