my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
hey, this is the drunk ass freshman from last night. thanks alot for helping me out last night, i'd probably be on some lawn if it wasn't for you guys! and my mom says thanks for talking to her
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
Randomize
