Kiss
Puke
What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
The ratio was 19 to 1 and the 1 was lauren so it didn't even count.
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
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