my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
My bed is full of blood and feathers
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
Randomize
