Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
Randomize
