I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
I coulnt tell if he was cumming or if I was throwing up
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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