The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
Update is I am officially king of Gettysburg. Tam and I are being threaded like royakt. In bought e ruined a drink
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
Randomize
