Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
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