Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
Am I the only person who thinks Megan Fox looks totally like a Thai lady boy with a serious tanning bed fix?
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
She pointed at me and told her friend, I'm going to fuck him, its going to be really loud, so yes, i need the whole basement.
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
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