we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
Randomize
