Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
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