What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
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