Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
the tile , carpet , walls , cabinets , even the ceiling ... there is Jello everywhere
it was your idea to have indoor Jello wrestling man
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
Haha pretty bummed I didn't stay night yesterday after the bj fest you described
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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