I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
Just found the book "How to Stay Christian in College" on my roommates desk. At a loss for words...
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
I just found a bag of teeth...
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
Randomize
