Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
the worst part is we had a camera rolling
Did his mom notice it when she saw u guys?
Yes.
I have to watch that.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
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