hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
Randomize
