my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
i just used my scantron for my final to make paper shotglasses. i'd say i passed in flying colors.
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
Dude she has starbursts in her sports bra. I feel like this is counter productive.
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
