I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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