Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
This is even worse then that time I fucked a guy just because he had air conditioning.
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize
