Maybe if i eat something filling like whole wheat pasta it will make me less hungry for things like dick
He had one of those small greek statue penises
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Randomize
