I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
Having an 'SDSU Mom' sticker is just like say 'Hi, my daughter has an std"
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
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