Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
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