We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
Randomize
