How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
He insisted on sleeping in my bed. Had he taken all of my obvious hints I would have sucked his dick. He only wanted to snuggle. My world has been turned upside down.
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
Just checked in with my friend who walked in on us. He thinks you two had a spiritual connection and he's bugging out
He was also rolling face on molly so his perception of divinity might be slightly off
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
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