You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
its easy. just sleep with a bunch of guys until one falls in love
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
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