Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
We broke my graduation cords last night when we used them to tie each other up during sex last night
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
I covered the puke with a shingle there's not many chunks. I think it will blend quickly.
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize
