I Bought a bracelet with bible characters and a charm broke. the virgin mary one. Do you think it's a sign?
On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
