So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
Randomize
