My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
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