WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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