she just put all the cheese in the refrig to sleep.. and yes we did finish you bottle.
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
We need a shit load of segways right now
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
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