So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
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