OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
just in the smoking shack with my sister cheering on a caterpillar make its cocoon
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
hey can you send me that pic of that dude?...if this isn't Rochelle's phone...can you please find and tell Rochelle to send me that picture of that dude?
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
Randomize
