I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Randomize
