Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
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