I think she would actually eat a penis if anyone was brave enough to let one near her mouth
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
We both bought three foot bongs...going to race to see who can smoke a mile first.
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
Sorry but i am wayy to hungover to take mom to her AA meeting.
Wont she be proud, Hailey.
he peed on his own floor last night after we left the bar. pretty much sums up how i feel about the evening
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
Randomize
