I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
That shit is worth it...they got medicine for that now a days
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
He snuck into my grandmothers house, broke her lamp, fucked me, then had breakfast with us the next morning. I am an awful granddaughter.
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
And thanks! There are perks to polyamory. And birthday orgies are one of them
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
Randomize
