I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
Actually we have similar relationship styles aka no relationship... it could work
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
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