hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
