dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
How does she give head with a nose like that? It looks like she has a plantain stuck in the middle of her face.
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
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