Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
whats wrong with me. i have a coffee mug of wine in the library and i'm doing homework
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
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