Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
fighting downstairs. join me tonight to hear their makeup sex. also, let's make skittles vodka.
This girls a $30 bar tab from being bi
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
