So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
I just threw up in front of a bunch of parents/prospective students while they were on a campus tour..awesome..
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
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