my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
I'm more concerned with the fact that he was UNconcerned that live poultry could peck him in the nutsack @ any moment of sex
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
Randomize
