just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
she requested me as her brother on facebook.... biggest. letdown. ever.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
I think they make you graduate because you get too old to go hard and become a risk. homecoming weekend wins again. fuck.
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
Wtf. So apparently this 5 star establishment doesn't allow strip putt putt in the parking lot. We all just got kicked out of our rooms.
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
Randomize
