I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
