dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
Randomize
