Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
I'm not sure if you saw my recent facebook update, but I have already put the Radio Flyer wagon to good use. I had someone pull me to the nearest bar.
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
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