Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
Why did this happen to me why did I have to meet him if I could go back in time I never would have grabbed his dick
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
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