I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
Well yeah. But im not sure i trust the black out drunk high girl giving life advice
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
