her vagine was all disorganized.
The Worst (noun)- 1. Getting up at 6am after a night of drinking. 2. Wearing a Peter Rabbit costume.
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
She's been divorced three times and use to raise cock fighters. Of course I'm interested in her
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Randomize
