My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
i googled "the goonies drinking game." i may be alone, but i'm living the college dream.
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
Verdict: uncircumcised.
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
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